Letters
by Brass Tacked
Summary: Dee's struggling to come to terms with Ryo's unexpected demise by writing letters as an outlet for his grief. Rating may change.
1. March 23, 2006

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the _FAKE_ characters, but the plot is mine so don't steal it.

March 23, 2006

Ryo,

I really don't know how to start this letter, I mean it's not like your ever going to read it. I mean how could you, read it that is, there is no address to send it to. Bikky's doing well, he misses you but the worst of his grief has passed. He's been spending a lot of time with his friends and avoiding too much trouble. We still hassle each other, but not as much as we did before.

Ah hell, I know I'm not doing this right. This isn't what the Penguin meant for me to write about when she told me this might help. I just don't know what to say to you. I feel kind of stupid saying something like that, but its how I feel. You're just so far away and _God_ I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

Since you've been gone things haven't been going so well for me. I have a new partner at work, but we're not working so well together. JJ and Drake both keep looking at me with pity in their eyes and I just can't stand it. Even the chief has been staying off my case. I'm thinking I might just quite the force, I just can't do it without you. You're what kept me sane.

Its just that every time I go into the precinct I see you there and its so hard. Its not like that at home. Here I can still feel your presence and its comforting. At the office its like I keep seeing your ghost. It also brings back that day.

I can't believe its been six months now. Six months to the day. I guess that's why I'm writing this, because this is an anniversary of the day it happened. Do you remember it? What am I saying of course you do, I wouldn't imagine it's easy to forget your own death.

I still think about it everyday. I still think that I could have prevented it from happening. God, it's all my fault.

Yours forever,

Dee


	2. April 23, 2006

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the _FAKE_ characters, but the plot is mine so don't steal it.

April 23, 2006

My Love,

Its hard to believe that I haven't seen you for seven months. I used to think that you would be with me all of our lives, how wrong I was. Every night I dream of being with you again, seeing your smile, hearing your laugh. I can't help but think that you made me live. Without you here I feel dead. I go on existing from one day to the next. I just take up space and air in this overcrowded city.

I'm on my third partner since you. Nobody wants to stay with me anymore. Nobody says it to my face but I've heard the others talking. They think of me as a hazard. They think that my grief is distracting me from the job. _Ha!_ So right they are. No one should have to be partnered with me. Its my fault you're dead and I will probably end up killing my future partner too.

If I hadn't done such a stupid thing you would still be here and none of this would be happening.

Sometimes I contemplate just ending it. And although I know I would be sent to hell and you're in Heaven, maybe God would let us see each other just once. Maybe I would be allowed to hold you one more time, feel your lips on mine. If I could just see you smile again, see your black eyes light up I could happily spend the rest of eternity in the deepest, darkest, and hottest crevice in hell.

I've caught myself fingering my gun on occasion and wondering what it would be like to just put the barrel to my temple and pull the trigger. When I've discovered myself lost in those moments I take a step back, sit down and contemplate everything. What I find in my mind doesn't help too much, but I am able to pull myself up too face the next minute.

That's how I'm living my life now, minute to minute. I'm starting to worry that soon I won't be able to pull myself up and out of these funks in the future.

I love and miss you so much.

Dee


	3. May 23, 2006

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _FAKE_ or the characters, but the idea is my own so please don't steal it!

May 23, 2006

Ryo,

Eight months, can you believe that it's been eight whole months? I sure can't. Every night when I close my eyes I still see you as you were that night. I still can feel your blood on my hands. I still think that it should have been me. That I am the one who should have died that night, not you, never you.

I finally quit two weeks ago. It didn't come as a big surprise to the others. We all knew it was coming. I always used to think that I would be lost without the force, but I was already lost. Leaving the force just added one more crack in a heart that is already broken.

Why did you have to do it? Why did you sacrifice yourself like that? Couldn't you see that I wasn't worth it? Didn't you understand that you were so much better than me? Damn it all Ryo! What were you thinking? Why did you think it would be better for you to die and for me to stay behind to try to pick up the pieces of shattered lives? After all you were always so much better at cleaning than I was. How did you expect me to do it all without you there to follow behind and fix everything that I managed to do wrong?

How did you expect me to handle a day like today, a day meant for celebration, without you there by my side. You would have been so proud. I can see your smile now and hear you laugh at the sight of Bikky throwing his cap in the air. You should have seen him, he was so ecstatic when they handed him the diploma. I must say that I never would have thought of him as a college graduate, especially two years ago when those NBA scouts were offering him so much if he would just leave his education behind.

I just wish you could have been there to shake his hand and give him a big hug. Those were two things that I just couldn't bring myself to do and I know it hurt him. But it just wouldn't be right, not with me being the one responsible for you not being able to be there today.

I'm so terribly sorry,

Dee

* * *

Okay, I know, Bikky would have graduated long before now, so lets pretend he went back to school for an advanced degree or something okay? Please? 


End file.
